How to make the best pie ever....and not blow up the kitchen

So, I tried out a pretty scary culinary experiment yesterday. One that my mother-in-law has accomplished probably hundreds of times, but I have yet had the nerve to try. So here's how to make the caramel sauce and why it is unbelievably frightening. You boil an UNOPENED can of sweetened condensed milk for 3 hours!! Now, according to the internet and mother-in-law, as long as it stays totally immersed in water it shouldn't explode. Shouldn't. It takes a rather large pot to completely immerse a can of Eagle Brand. And I had to add about 3 cups of water to it every hour. No one could give me an accurate description of what temperature to keep it over, so I ended up on medium most of them time. It took a loooong time to cool down after I was finished too. About 6 hours. Definitely a day before thing. Now I know why  most people make about 4 cans at one time. It's not like it's any extra effort. So for the rest of the pie:

1 graham cracker crust
2-3 bananas (depending on how thick you want the banana layer)
Caramel (made the day before)
Cool Whip
Crushed up Heath Bar or toffee pieces

Then you just layer the bananas, add the caramel (it's a little hard to work with), top it off with cool whip and toffee pieces. Then leave it in the fridge for a few hours to let it set up and become cut-able.

Too bad I don't get to eat any of this one!

I guess this is about food now...

Well, thanks to Pintester and the Pintester movement ( http://pintester.com/2013/05/the-pintester-movement-craft-all-the-things)I am finally trying out this cake.( http://www.loveandoliveoil.com/2012/01/blackberry-red-wine-chocolate-cake.htmlhttp://www.loveandoliveoil.com/2012/01/blackberry-red-wine-chocolate-cake.html )

Aaaaaaaand my camera broke! FML!!!! I'm going to break something! So I'm going to leave the blog the exact way I had it with little place holders for the pictures. You'll just have to imagine because I am pissed off!!

I pinned this things over a year ago and have just never had a reason to make it. Well now I do! Because the internet told me to!! Hopefully we don't end this pin like this....
[pic o me chugging wine]

I'm going to blog this live, so here's my set up.
[picture of laptop on washing machine]

So I'll mix a little, type a little, bake a little, type a little. I've got a miniscule kitchen so this should be fun. And by fun I mean highly frustrating.
[pics of tiny kitchen]

Here's a shameless selfie of me in an apron! Cooking!!
[pic o' me with whisk]

So let's get started! And right off the bat I'm doing something wrong. I need three of these pans. Let me text a neighbor...
[pic o 2 pans]

Neighbors don't have one. Two it is! I'll decide later if I want to just make two layers or bake in two separate batches. Let's get mixing!
[maybe vine video of mixing]

I have decided!! I will make a two layer cake, and a few cupcakes for the neighbors, even if they didn't have the pan I needed. I'm a little concerned at how liquidy the batter is. And it tastes pretty boozey. I can't tell if that's good or not, yet. Maybe I need to finish the bottle of wine before I decide.
[pic o liquid batter] [pic o pans with batter]

Oh well! In the oven! And while that bakes I'll clean up and make the frosting.

[lota butter pic] That is FOUR WHOLE STICKS of butter being whipped to a frenzy. Now I remember why I keep not making this. It's gonna be about 2,000 calories per bite. Alright, cupcakes are out. Since I can't cut them in half and put blackberry preserves inside them I just made holes in the center and put a spoonful in them while they're hot so it'll melt down into the cake.
[pic o cupcake]

And here are the cakes!
[pic of cakes]

Ok, I really hate waiting for cakes to cool. What am I supposed to do? Oh wait.....
[pic of wine in glass]

Oh wow. That has got to be the absolute sweetest wine I've ever had in my life. I think I'm going to have to cut it with scotch or something.

Waiting is boring.... [vine video]

Alright, I've iced the cupcakes while the cakes cooled. I am not of the school that thinks you need a giant turd swirl of frosting to make a cupcake good. I am reserved with my frosting. And if you don't like you can eat it. Or don't. Because you don't like it. [
pic of cupcakes]

Well now dinner is in the way of my baking. So brief hiatus whilst I nom.
[pic of dinner]

Back to baking! I've got to cut these layers in half (managed to do that with only a small amount of failure) then stack em up an frost em. (So I took pics with my phone from here on out for some reason. Should have just done that from the start!!)
Now it sits in the fridge for 30 minutes. And I make ganache! This stuff looks gross right now.

Double boiler!
 
Now I pour it over the cake a voila!
 
Not nearly as pretty as the pin. Balls! But I'm tired and I just don't have it in me to make this pretty. Plus, look what I still have to clean.
 
 Now, the question that has been burning in me for the last year. How does this heifer taste? Every time I look at this pin I think "I should really make that. But what if it's terrible?" So here's a slice.
And the verdict is...


 It's........meh. I think a box cake mix is moister, easier, and generally tastier. So I'm going to go with fail. Now excuse me while I take out my frustrations with the rest of the liquor in the house.
[pic o me giving the finger to everything]

1st period update 2-16

I wouldn't normally update in school, but this is just too funny not to tell right now. One of my students had a friend put her number on a website and say that it was Miranda Lamert's number. Bummer for her. So she gets phone calls all the time now. Well a guy happened to call in first period and she answered. He asked if she would sing for him but then the call cut out. So we decide if he called again that we would put it on speaker and I would sing opera for him. Well soon after he called back and asked for her to sing. So I grabbed the phone and laid down some Deh Vieni including the recitative! After I finished he exclaimed "I LOVE YOU" and hung up. We all lol'd pretty hard! And that was first period!

Valentine's Day

I've eaten enough chocolate today to satiate even the hungriest of 7 year olds. I subbed at "School I student taught at" High School today. Notable discussions were "Was Beyonce actually pregnant?" The answer to that was a no. We also discussed the "If she doesn't know what this is, she's too young for you" meme. They all seemed to know what the things were except for 8-bit. We also discussed the creepy sub in one of the other classes. And of course we all discussed who was doing what for Valentine's Day. High School valentine drama makes me LOL. All the "who sent who what color rose and who didn't get their girlfriend something" etc. Everyone asked what I was doing and I said "NOTHING!!!!" with lots of emphasis. Because as much as I love Steak au Pauvre, I just really don't want to cook tonight. So Dr. Who and cuddles it is. Ok, my trapezius (I like that word) makes it kind of hurt to type. So, Fin Carlson.

2-9 and 2-10

I have learned that I love nerdy band kids! I subbed today and yesterday at West Rich Kid High School. Band both days. Nerdy band kids are the best. They think I"m the greatest! I love it!! And this school has such a great non-tolerance program that keep everyone in check. That's about all I have to say. It was actually a pretty boring job because their were two assistant directors and a student teacher. But I got to leave at 1 both days. WOO! Read the quote of the day. It's funny!

2-1 thru 2-3

I got a surprise day off on Wednesday, which was GREAT! I got to go have lunch with the best grandmother there is in the world! Unfortunately, it got cut a little short because my poor ole lion got a thorn in his paw. (Matt got a tiny piece of glass in his foot.) But it was still an excellent day. Thursday, I subbed at Rich Kid High School. The kids there were significantly better behaved than the kids at Rich Kids Middle School. I subbed for Chemistry that day. Apparently, their teacher comes to school in shorts and a T Shirt every day, so there is a pair of dress pants just hanging out on the desk. That day was rather uneventful. It did help me discover that I HATE WHISTLING though. At least an hour straight of whistling. Blergh. I got to leave early that day because I can't really sub for track. Then yesterday I subbed at my alma Mater, West Red Neck High School. I subbed for Geography/Health in the morning and then choir in the afternoon. I accidentally spilled my coffee on the health teacher's calendar and then his students spilled it on some papers. It was not going well. Then I went and subbed for choir. That was uneventful except that I got invited to a party and some kids house. I wonder what the school board would do if one of their subs went and partied with their students. Now, on to something that has bothered me. At several of the schools I have gone to I have had teachers tell me "You're going to have to be really mean to these kids, or they'll never listen" and then they proceed to threaten whatever students I have in the room. And while I appreciate the advice, I've found that it's really just not true. In each class, I've explained to the kids "If ya'll will just chill out and not be crazy then I won't have to assign you additional work and we won't get yelled at by another teacher." And with fairly high results, it has worked. I've only had one class so far that I had to leave a bad note about and I don't get all stressed out and worked up. When the students start getting overly excited or loud I just remind them "Hey, quit trying to ruin this little bit of free time for the rest of the class." And I've REALLY found that when you apply the "win as a team, lose as a team" idea then the other students basically take care of those reminders for you. "Dude...you're going to make us all have to do work. Stop it!" So, I don't know what the point of all that was except to just say that it was bothering me.

1-30-12

First off, happy 6 month anniversary to me and Matt. Really doesn't feel like it's been that long. Today, I subbed ART at East Redneck High School. It was way fun! I didn't have any information left for the students to do, so that basically meant everyone (including me) got a free day! I studied for the Math Praxis for the first two hours while the students whatevered. They introduced me to a strange app called SimSimi which was basically Cleverbot. It was pretty funny! The other classes just kind of chatted me up. It was a pretty chill day. But, the main point of this post is to display this!

Weeee fun time! I got bored in my off hour, so I painted a ceiling tile. (No worries, most of them are already painted. I didn't just decide to ruin the classroom) So all in all, I definitely enjoyed my day!